i had taken you by the hand and we had stood tall

I've watched the sun set
and it's by pure luck that
I was able to see it
rise again; because I don't
have much of anything left.

When I am still breathing
after another lonely evening,
I thank heaven; fore that alone
is a miracle itself or something
similar to fate's master design.

I keep a careful watch on my
heart; it keeps on finding a way
to send fear through and through my
body and soul, so I find lately
I attempt the impossible. I try
hard to keep the darkness at bay.

This game I play, I play for keeps.
I need to bare in mind the rules
that I created in youth; because
without them I know I may as
throw in the towel, call it quits.

While I've done my best to
live my life completely free
of routine; the days I now know
are completely free of the feel
of repetition. yet, I see
that I am still missing the
punch line that is irony.

I remind myself almost hourly
that the worst has already
came; and by any mathematical
logic I assume that the day's
left will be the better
part I have been missing. She
told me that life is about karma
and not a formula; so now I pray
she is wrong in her theory.

Merit is another thing I've yet
to try; got so much guilt
weighting on me, I am at
a loss for words as to what
has kept me here, still afloat.

The calender on my wall still
shows the year it was when i
had purchased it; and this July it'll
be four years. I do sometimes try
to put on the mask of normality;
if not for me then at least for her.

While most days have me wearing
a smile, there are still the one
here and there that try bringing
me back down to how I've always been.

When the days of utter depression
fight to take reign of my decision
as to rather I should keep living
or not, I think of just one thing;
and that's the light that is within
the compounds of her beautiful smiling
face. when I'm convinced nothing
good remains of me and I've fallen
so far down into a realm of disillusion
that even grace can't seem to see in
me any chance of recovery, it is then
i can do one thing, call upon
the days she decided I was someone
worth her time. Even now I can
not figure out what was going on
in her head during that burning
summer fling; fore I am worthy of nothing.