another attempt at the impossible

All day long I count the seconds that constantly pass.
that calender you got me for a christmas gift stays
put on my wall; 'cos i've grown delusional and if it says
that it's still june, then to me, it's still sunny.

been so long since i've been able to find rest
or peace in the space of another woman's smiling heart.
it has turned out the same with each one of my demented
attempts to discover a reason to continue living.

to be honest it took longer than it should of-
this i admit; but while i'm in this mood, i've
made a vow to at least continue this with alternative
motive. now, i too call a spade a spade, no alternative.

i tried to accelerate my demise at the speed of light;
and i told everybody that asked it wasn't out of fright
but idol curiosity, similar to that metaphor of a cat
looking to find an answer to this only known present.

been nose deep in novels; but now i feel empty and hollow
so it's now history courses i consume full heartily.
always knew there was too much information to ever know
happiness; not once the can has been opened. show
me a life of any man's honest attempt to be a virtous
giver of life to another without expecting appreciation's
in return. respect forever, no questions asked- undying
dedication. it's a sad, sad world when it goes without saying
we all do nothing except what it is that keeps us breathing.