i'll try not to wonder where you are

I heard through the grape vine you're feeling ill
and it won't go away; no matter what you try
the feeling of neasuea remains ever present through
your life and fatigue has a grip on you so.
if you sewed all you reaped you'd be one better
than I've ever tried to be, my darling dear.
I remain forever in a foreign land- inside
my head is a cell i am trapped in with no key
to let me play with the youth i once knew.
This island has me trapped here, pacing through
the memories I try to filter into some order;
yet without the drugs I knew in my everyday
I can't find a reason to enjoy even slumber.
Hot tears drip from my face, splash on my toes
that are bare on the ceramic tile floor.
The shower can't cool this fever.
My love I think it's the end for you and I;
because when I think of your name I have to
try and not vomit in remorse and regret from the
things I did to you; I am undeserving of you.
Faintly I hear wedding bells chime in the future
but I know it ain't me who will be the groom who
makes you smile; no I'll be in the audience
holding onto my stomach as it squeezes shut with
guilt; it should be I and you who usher
in the new years together; but my hands shake here
when I reach for my glass to cheer for you
and your happiness with another man- at least you smile
occasionally. I guess that's good enough for me
but just remember, remember no one can love you
like I did! Like I do! And baby if you could maybe
find time in your busy schedule- Trust me baby
when I say I know, I know just how busy life is to be-
come as you age into a woman of certainty and beauty.
But! Maybe you could just visit me once before
I begin to completely rot into dust, to fade away
into the yesterday's of a wasted talent- a scar
on your consciousness as you sometimes, occasionally
think of that summer we shared so much laughter-
those days before I took for granted another
moment of perfection- worse than ever before
is this a strife on the reflection of me
than any other choice I destroyed while I
made it out of haste; I could drown on forever
and ever- you know this better than most ever
could; so with that I say good bye to all we've
ever been and could of- cause darling I see clear
it's the end for you and me as if there ever
was a sequel or sequence of days where we weren't lovers.