i don't want anything of hers.

They say, 'I think therefore I am.'
I bet I could deceive them
if I stared at a wall and didn't move
for a few hours; my eyes would beam
a message of despondent behavior.

I got appointments galore;
my to do list is piled high
but still I don't desire
to even make my bed today.

Yesterday I debated drinking down
antifreeze and a shot of bourbon.
Thought that maybe that would of been
some help- helping the blood in my veins
run a little warmer- a little longer.

I've been here for weeks
with my nose stuck
inside ancient books.
The poets who had no hooks
or pose, just miserably epic.

Tomorrow I'll dance alone
in an apartment I don't own;
because I'll be content
that I hadn't been
dumb enough to succumb again
to that voice inside
the catcombs of my mind.

They want to do me in.
That much is evident
in all they say and everything
they try to make me get done.

I've drowned in shallow
waters; soared in sky's
red with God's rapture.
This scorn inside me
has come again, I try
to make it go away,
permantely but I fear
it's here to stay.

I prepare my soul
for the eternal
war that is due
to come and ensue
my fate, seal
me into a deal
with angels
who are surely
just devils
dressed cleverly
in disguse to do
me in this year.

On my wall are calenders
that date back to when
I was much younger.
Still today I can't
seem to find energy
to even try and turn
the pages let alone
try and take them down
altogether; hiding
inside the weeks I've seen
may hold some kind
of secret, a dream of mine.

Constantly I pace around
wondering if she still thinks
of me occasionally.

Did she ever make an entry
in her journal about me?
Or does she fear as I do
that that would just soil
her sure to be fame?

Reputations dangle around me
like necklaces on elegant whores.
Diamonds the size of lies
follow me down the aisle
of doom, where I don't see
any chance of escaping
this city with any dignity.

So hang my head in shame
when your eyes try to find mine.
This hell I live inside, alone
is commendable I seem to find;
because I am poison, as you found
out first hand- there is nothing
left of me to reveal in
poetry or symbology, darling
please forget my existence
as surely and solemnly
I try to erase me from history.