are you sure which side of the fence you are on

No matter how long i stay clean,
I'll never have this poison out of my vein.
Try as i try but this disease has clung
to my soul for what seems like an eternity.
I took apart the mechanics of my life
but it doesn't matter if i scrub them
`cos most parts have rotten.
I'm disconnected from any relation
to my friends who are now estranged
with me; as if i'm an alien from another nation.
Each time i see her smile,
a part of me inside completely dies.
Those years i've lived alone have now detailed
a schematic of the places i had gone wrong.
Those steps i should have taken,
or, or-oh well- oh well, is all i have sung.
This time i guess I`ll make some changes to this
life i live oh so comepletely wrong (so it seems);
now I am tired from chasing after all those gratafacations.
I had yet to see the connections
between this world and stable emotion.
Sometimes I feel no better than a contradiction.
When she laughs, I feel myself choking
and it becomes hard to think, to keep breathing.
I clutch to this needle, my crutch like I must-
My only true love, a handful of sparkling dust.
The thirty minute intertwine of suckling God`s teet.
A thirty second rush, a simple brush
with death at her best- her most convincing truth.
That silent black abyss promises me with
great lust and pride- it`ll scratch my soul`s itch.