Unable to keep up with the regrets I now own
and wear like a shield of tainted white knight armor.
I laid around motionless for what seems eons
but you gotta know my love, gotta understand dear
I did all of this because everything you didn't do
haunts me now like a murder on my consciences' morale.
If only it was so simple as to say I was a drunken bastard
and a fool lost in the haze of a drug influence, riddled
to the point of incompetently able to function these ballads.
I wish my dreams would slow down and become a pleasant
vision of the man I should be, not keep me as a peasant
stuck in the present, stumbling to understand my own intentions.
There isn't luck or fate just cause and effect
for the decisions we may or may not have affectedly
made in our yesterday's; or even in our today's.
Unable to shake this sick feeling I get now a days
when I think of you and our could have been's.
Only time I hear your voice is on your answering machine
where I leave countless messages but you never return
them; naw, I bet you delete them without even listening.
No more chances with me, you say to yourself, each evening
solemnly proclaiming to no one in particular that enough
is enough and you don't got time to waste away trying
to get closer to me than the distant man I remain.
Now I fear the fortuity is to come true any day
and forever away I'll become, on the road- on tour
meeting new friends, new lovers, new homes and acontances
but forever you'll remain here on my mind, on my everything
I ever create or design, all my art, to your heart it belongs.
Never know when to call it quits- to admit it's the end.
This is more than evident in all of my ramblings and
rants I pass off as heart felt romantic poetry.
Let's be honest with each other, it ain't much more
than me discussing my wretched ability to whine
out my angst in the form of a miserable deception.
No kiss will ever be as rememberable as that one
we shared back in the basement of your parents.
When we were barely old enough to even comprhend
what it is we were trying to give one another-
felt like it was for the joy of being able to belong
yet, it was so much more than that, I see that now.
Yield these affections to a minimal attraction
so these girls I desire don't manifest, turn
into a memory, another completed notch
on the halo that is my utmost contempt.
I promise through and through I will remain true
but as soon as the sunlight shines through
the windows frame in my dark bedroom
I find myself digging up excuses to see you gone.
Then as soon as the sun disapears from the horizon
I find myself tormented with thoughts made of poison.
Condemning myself to misery as I think of the reason
why I thought it'd be different this time, this night.
If I could call her and apologize I would but
it wouldn't change, it'd be the same again, same routine
of pretending I'm something more than a hearts cancer.
No photographs of my one night truimphs,
I'm not so callous as to hold onto momentems
of your demise, your heart breaking in monomentous
proportions you didn't even have a clue could exist in you.
Then again it's not like I picked that action either,
for I have no photos to remember any of my lifes history.
Love me or not it doesn't seem to bother me
when in the morning of each day I manage to
pull myself together, reapply the mask of indifference
and stare blankly at the ghost that apperas in the mirror.
I smile, it smiles back, ya, I know I'm still here
but how much is left feeling is still a mystery to me.
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