i'm making promises i know i will never keep

A jaded indifference eerily possess me,
more evident as I grow older, unreasonabley so.
Virtue remains as I loose faith
because these days are as long as the nights fright.
I feel immutable, a timeless constant
as I vainly attempt to maintain some sort
of personal commonwealth of my destiny.
Despite my needle-diddle express
I can still scarcely see it, my fading future.
Life isn't a game of chance, no dice roll;
no, it's a rigged table of roulette.
Try then, I do, to fathom a subconscious ease
as I curb my indifference out of mutiny.
I shall live on my knees, bow to the queen
but in my eyes it's easy to see no authority
will ever clench my heart with any
sort of strength- so I patiently smile
as they play their trumpets triumphant blasts-
ironically, completely unaware of the bitterness
I cleverly conceal behind my hypnotic lies.
So now I pray daily but not for salvation, no
it's for a believable facade of zealous hypocrisy.
I've given up pondering if the masses will care,
I will not bow out before it's done, before I'm a star.
The lime light, I know, will only be luke warm-
a fraction of what it will take to ensue me with contentment;
yet, it's all I have, the pirates treasure chest of infamy.
It appears at times that this life ain't mine anyway;
no, even with eyes closed, I head down the same path.
Ya, I'm led astray down the road like lemurs to hell-
oh how I've listened patiently for a bells
chime; the clock that eventually always does toll
for us, one and all- to do it's deed, kill us alone (what a laugh).
Until the, forever hold my peace as I rot in this despair (what a larf).