everything means nothing to me

empty pill bottles from medicine trying to conceal
to help ease me into the necessity of a structure.
numb the thoughts away, to help ease suicide
into just a day dream, a boy hood fallacy.

i picked up the blues back in august of the late nineties,
haven't been able to sell them for even a penny.
stuck in this mental cell, a personal hell-
a shell of a man so used and tired, i will rot away.

got held up in those angst as a teenager-
ya, nothing could replace the life long failure
i had manifest with such ease, such leisure
it's almost as if I'm now all I'll ever be.

old bottles of ancient liquor
decorate the hallway boarder
like some sort of bitter trophy.
just foggy glass no pictures of her.

sometimes i find it even harder
to remember if it was true,
if those thoughts aren't crazy.
did it really happen, ever, truly?

the drugs have left me unsure
of everything, including my own demenaour.
got a fancy obsession with a time where
i hadn't felt this way, so absurdly ill-normal.

nothing can ever hold a candle
to the things that may have been before.
a time, long ago, where i knew something other
than this infinite way of life, the blues.

can't hold a moments gaze with a girl
past the midnight clocks chiming bell.
unlike child hood fairy tales
she doesn't return, she ain't Cinderella.

candid camera would have a field day
with the constant way i fail, fumble
the possibilities that are handed selfishly
to me from above, like an infinite retry s.

if my heart was a person, it'd be butter fingers-
drop every chance at romance that comes near.
can't connect i find, just no longer
try to even find mutual ground, can't bother.

without a chemical solution coursing through me
I'm just another face in the clouds, in the sky.
rather it prescribed or bought illicitly

without the soaring altercation i am emotionless.

you won't find me in a hallway saying goodbye
to family members after a holiday-
no grace giving comments on thanksgiving, no
I'm afraid it's me alone in a fantasy.

wishing it wasn't how it seemed, nor
how it looked; that i had said no.
no to the drugs, the girls, the lies
everything, faith, belief and fairy tales.